Snailio Iglesias....

For almost four years, I've protected you and your family from me and my family - those who wanted to salt you, get you drunk or otherwise end your tiny little slimy lives.

For almost four years, I let you destroy my plants, poop on my entryway and make out on my front door - random drippy stuff and all.  Did you know that even 409 can't clean your trails?  All of this, despite the fact that you look like a dehydrated penis with antlers.

So, I'm sorry, Snailio Iglesias.  I'm sorry that in a moment of inattention, I smooshed your innards through your head.  The *POP* still haunts me. 

I hope you know that I tried.  And I hope that slug heaven has all the greenery, dampness and hootchie sluggettes that your little heart can handle.