The Husband Figure loves cleaning products like a crack head loves crack-flavored cupcakes.
I just wanted the world to know that.
I just wanted the world to know that.
Note to Costco:
Dear Costco,
11' tall, fake blonde Amazon women with 10 pounds of makeup should not be hosting the sample table for your health food/weight loss products. There are a host of reasons why this is the case, but the first that comes to mind is this: we of the peasant stock aren't interested in standing in the shadows of our arch enemies.
Much thanks.
Your loyal customer,
Me
I'm baaaaaaaaack....
Well, I think so, anyway. So concludes a seven-month hiatus from this little effort, punctuated by a stunted attempt to go underground (fun blog to write all of the things I couldn't write here - but I even lost inspiration for that one), a nice vacation to Ireland, some house projects, a personal training commitment and a ghost.
More to come on that.
In the meantime, I'm gonna spruce things up a bit around here.
See you soon.
More to come on that.
In the meantime, I'm gonna spruce things up a bit around here.
See you soon.
The Haunting of Molly Hartley
Dear Molly:
If 30 years of Hollywood horror movies and slasher flicks have taught you anything, they should have taught you this:
If you are the pretty but slightly socially awkward new girl at school AND you're sporting a trendy but timeless scar where your psychotic mother stabbed you in the chest AND the most popular, cutest, most athletic boy is giving up the head cheerleader solely to drown you in affection and attention...
...then...
... you are most definitely about to become Satan's bitch.
Just sayin.
XOXO,
CBB-D
Commercially Viable Reprint
So, I haven't written here for a long time and there are a thousand reasons why, but the truth is that I've been hanging out on facebook and stalking Robert Pattinson, and I just haven't had the time, energy or inspiration.
I figured that in the interim, I'd post something that I posted on facebook - two birds with one stone, or some such junk. Here it is - 25 things about me.
1. Moving to Portland was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I can be myself here, regardless of which personality decides to rear its head. I love the rain and the green. I do miss my east coast friends terribly, of course… and I’d kill a man for a dozen blue crabs.
2. Sometimes I look in the mirror and - I swear to all that is holy - Velma from Scooby Doo is staring back at me.
For More, Click This.
3. My biggest regret is not going to Vassar.
4. Beto tried to dump me twice when we first started dating (which he denies). There’s a lesson to be learned there: there’s no telling how far a little blackmail and some thinly veiled threats can take you in a relationship. Just don’t go so far as to boil any bunnies.
5. When I watchedThe Price Is Right as a kid, I’d cry when the old people won.
6. Sometimes I chew on my tongue while I’m sleeping which makes for a very uncomfortable morning.
7. When Beto travels the world, I typically paint the walls or rearrange the furniture, and live on toast, diet coke and raisin bran.
8. I spoke at my father’s funeral when I was 17. And I have a black sun tattoo in honor of his memory, because he used to call me “Sunshine”. He was apparently deluded about my general disposition, but that’s what dads do.
9. I would jump in front of a car to save a dog. And I love hunting accidents. Show me a hunter who would go up against a camouflaged animal with a gun, and I’ll show you a real man.
10. I LOVE to win. But I also appreciate the benefits of losing.
11. My favorite parts of my job are arguing motions in court, mentoring young lawyers and being able to volunteer on nonprofit boards, etc. My least favorite part of my job is dealing with constant and unending conflict.
12. The last time we left Stan and Cindy’s house, we arranged their garden gnomes in compromising positions and took pictures.
13. Joanie once called me mercurial, and I’m totally okay with that - proud, in fact.
14. I haven’t had chocolate in 25 days and stopped eating red meat about three months ago after seeing a cow headed for slaughter and looking out the window with awe and glee at the new world around him. I do make one exception for the occasional Higgins cheeseburger.
15. My mother read The Exorcist while she was pregnant with me, and on that, I blame EVERYTHING.
16. I’ve seen George Carlin, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld and Robin Williams. I’ve also seen U2 six times and Bono once, and I’m sad to say that after 22 years of faithful admiration, that man is actually starting to get on my ever loving last nerve.
17. New Year’s Eve should be a day of mourning, not of celebration. YAY! ONE YEAR CLOSER TO ARMAGEDDON! BRING ON THE SPARKLY CARDBOARD PARTY HATS!
18. I am rediscovering my love of horror movies. Real-life fears include death, spiders and being forever stuck behind a Portland-area Subaru station wagon driver, who are - in case you didn’t know - the undeniably worst, most irritating drivers on the planet.
19. Many of my friends got pregnant, and *I* gained the baby weight. Nice. I don’t even get a tax benefit. Can I claim my ass as a dependent? It’s larger than an infant.
20. I often fear I’ll spend my 30s wondering where my 20s went, and spend my 40s worrying about my 50s.
21. I greatly dislike posturing and pretense. I greatly admire charity and humor.
22. I don’t want children. I’m serious. I’m not kidding. I have no biological clock. That ticking you hear is probably the sound of my watch as I’m monitoring the time left before I can go blow some money on something irresponsible. I am deficient and ill-equipped to deal with pregnancy OR raising a small human. HOWEVER, if I did have a boy, I’d want him to be a big-boned foul-mouthed capitalist like Cartman, minus the racist and anti-semitic tendencies.
22. I tend to run my head into anything and everything - dryer doors, coat racks, car doors, pool tables, airplane ceilings (over and over and over again), walls, door jambs, sales displays… I’ve never bled and I’ve come close to being knocked out only once.
23. I had a great childhood because of the friends I made and the adventures we got into.
24. My dream job would be a doggy-daycare-owning cinematic music supervisor and photographer. Lunch breaks would consist of 30 minutes of playing on the floor with oodles of puppies, and I’d get bonuses for sleeping in.
25. Beto cooks, does the laundry, irons and shares in the cleaning and grocery shopping. I must have seriously suffered in a past life to deserve someone so genuinely good. I know… I can’t believe he hasn’t fled yet, either.
I figured that in the interim, I'd post something that I posted on facebook - two birds with one stone, or some such junk. Here it is - 25 things about me.
1. Moving to Portland was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I can be myself here, regardless of which personality decides to rear its head. I love the rain and the green. I do miss my east coast friends terribly, of course… and I’d kill a man for a dozen blue crabs.
2. Sometimes I look in the mirror and - I swear to all that is holy - Velma from Scooby Doo is staring back at me.
For More, Click This.
3. My biggest regret is not going to Vassar.
4. Beto tried to dump me twice when we first started dating (which he denies). There’s a lesson to be learned there: there’s no telling how far a little blackmail and some thinly veiled threats can take you in a relationship. Just don’t go so far as to boil any bunnies.
5. When I watched
6. Sometimes I chew on my tongue while I’m sleeping which makes for a very uncomfortable morning.
7. When Beto travels the world, I typically paint the walls or rearrange the furniture, and live on toast, diet coke and raisin bran.
8. I spoke at my father’s funeral when I was 17. And I have a black sun tattoo in honor of his memory, because he used to call me “Sunshine”. He was apparently deluded about my general disposition, but that’s what dads do.
9. I would jump in front of a car to save a dog. And I love hunting accidents. Show me a hunter who would go up against a camouflaged animal with a gun, and I’ll show you a real man.
10. I LOVE to win. But I also appreciate the benefits of losing.
11. My favorite parts of my job are arguing motions in court, mentoring young lawyers and being able to volunteer on nonprofit boards, etc. My least favorite part of my job is dealing with constant and unending conflict.
12. The last time we left Stan and Cindy’s house, we arranged their garden gnomes in compromising positions and took pictures.
13. Joanie once called me mercurial, and I’m totally okay with that - proud, in fact.
14. I haven’t had chocolate in 25 days and stopped eating red meat about three months ago after seeing a cow headed for slaughter and looking out the window with awe and glee at the new world around him. I do make one exception for the occasional Higgins cheeseburger.
15. My mother read The Exorcist while she was pregnant with me, and on that, I blame EVERYTHING.
16. I’ve seen George Carlin, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld and Robin Williams. I’ve also seen U2 six times and Bono once, and I’m sad to say that after 22 years of faithful admiration, that man is actually starting to get on my ever loving last nerve.
17. New Year’s Eve should be a day of mourning, not of celebration. YAY! ONE YEAR CLOSER TO ARMAGEDDON! BRING ON THE SPARKLY CARDBOARD PARTY HATS!
18. I am rediscovering my love of horror movies. Real-life fears include death, spiders and being forever stuck behind a Portland-area Subaru station wagon driver, who are - in case you didn’t know - the undeniably worst, most irritating drivers on the planet.
19. Many of my friends got pregnant, and *I* gained the baby weight. Nice. I don’t even get a tax benefit. Can I claim my ass as a dependent? It’s larger than an infant.
20. I often fear I’ll spend my 30s wondering where my 20s went, and spend my 40s worrying about my 50s.
21. I greatly dislike posturing and pretense. I greatly admire charity and humor.
22. I don’t want children. I’m serious. I’m not kidding. I have no biological clock. That ticking you hear is probably the sound of my watch as I’m monitoring the time left before I can go blow some money on something irresponsible. I am deficient and ill-equipped to deal with pregnancy OR raising a small human. HOWEVER, if I did have a boy, I’d want him to be a big-boned foul-mouthed capitalist like Cartman, minus the racist and anti-semitic tendencies.
22. I tend to run my head into anything and everything - dryer doors, coat racks, car doors, pool tables, airplane ceilings (over and over and over again), walls, door jambs, sales displays… I’ve never bled and I’ve come close to being knocked out only once.
23. I had a great childhood because of the friends I made and the adventures we got into.
24. My dream job would be a doggy-daycare-owning cinematic music supervisor and photographer. Lunch breaks would consist of 30 minutes of playing on the floor with oodles of puppies, and I’d get bonuses for sleeping in.
25. Beto cooks, does the laundry, irons and shares in the cleaning and grocery shopping. I must have seriously suffered in a past life to deserve someone so genuinely good. I know… I can’t believe he hasn’t fled yet, either.
Nice.
GOOD NEWS!
We've been waiting to share this with everyone for obvious reasons, but figured that now is as good a time as any...
That's right! Oliver's heart is doing very well, as evidenced by this cardio sonogram.
You didn't seriously think I was harboring a small human, did you? Now honestly. Just last week I had a dream that I was pregnant, much to my complete horror. Despite every effort to the contrary, the doctor made me deliver on a Thursday, with drugs, and was pleased to announce that I had a brand new girl... puppy.
Buenos Tiempos.
That's right! Oliver's heart is doing very well, as evidenced by this cardio sonogram.
You didn't seriously think I was harboring a small human, did you? Now honestly. Just last week I had a dream that I was pregnant, much to my complete horror. Despite every effort to the contrary, the doctor made me deliver on a Thursday, with drugs, and was pleased to announce that I had a brand new girl... puppy.
Buenos Tiempos.
BLAH.
Today was a bad day. Dramatic re-enactment:
Today was worse than the day spell-checker changed my email to opposing counsel from
"Sorry for the inconvenience"
to
"Sorry for the incontinence"
and then automatically sent it ... as if I had accidentally peed on the man's shoe. Let me assure you that when I pee on a man's shoe, it will be intentional.
Today was worse than the deposition I had to sit through as the only woman - with six men over 45 - staring at 8x10 photos of a man's unclothed hindquarters, all which illustrated his injuries after impaling himself up the - um - backside 8 inches with uncapped, rusty rebar.
Today was worse than the day I took a face plant outside of an office building when I slipped on leaves and ended up skinning both my knees like a 10 year old - or the day I ran full-speed and headlong into a coat rack hanging out from the wall of a courtroom in front of my former boss.
But for this, I have to be thankful: it was not worse than the day I had to run to court for a hearing on a case that wasn't mine, in clothes not meant for court, only to have my transmission blow in a pinch point in the parking garage such that ain't no one leavin' 'till I get back from the hearing... which was sooner than I'd have guessed since there really was never a hearing at all. Rolling the car backwards down the parking garage ramp in a skirt was just the icing on top.
Yes, today sucked. And it didn't even snow
Today was worse than the day spell-checker changed my email to opposing counsel from
"Sorry for the inconvenience"
to
"Sorry for the incontinence"
and then automatically sent it ... as if I had accidentally peed on the man's shoe. Let me assure you that when I pee on a man's shoe, it will be intentional.
Today was worse than the deposition I had to sit through as the only woman - with six men over 45 - staring at 8x10 photos of a man's unclothed hindquarters, all which illustrated his injuries after impaling himself up the - um - backside 8 inches with uncapped, rusty rebar.
Today was worse than the day I took a face plant outside of an office building when I slipped on leaves and ended up skinning both my knees like a 10 year old - or the day I ran full-speed and headlong into a coat rack hanging out from the wall of a courtroom in front of my former boss.
But for this, I have to be thankful: it was not worse than the day I had to run to court for a hearing on a case that wasn't mine, in clothes not meant for court, only to have my transmission blow in a pinch point in the parking garage such that ain't no one leavin' 'till I get back from the hearing... which was sooner than I'd have guessed since there really was never a hearing at all. Rolling the car backwards down the parking garage ramp in a skirt was just the icing on top.
Yes, today sucked. And it didn't even snow
An Open Letter to God
Dear God,
Really? Really. I mean no disrespect, but it's time for a little come-to-Jesus talk. The new guy you just hired for VP of Weather Operations, Northwest Division of the USA subsidiary, has really jumped the track.
His decision-making skills are undermining your very best efforts to save the planet. With every record-breaking snowfall we receive, there are seventeen sets of 163 rednecks around an open fire, polishing their gun racks and snacking on pork and beans, decrying the possibility of global warming, because... well, hell Bucephalus! it's colder, not warmer.
Personally, I can't "love thy neighbor" because my neighbor finds snowfall an even greater justification for his dog's poop-and-run strategic ops.
"No idols," you command? Check out the small humans bowing before their disfigured Frosty.
And while I might not covet my neighbor's house, I sure as hell covet their all-wheel-drive, and so bought one myself, because no decent hybrid can get up the hill. Show me one that can and I will show you a genuine miracle.
Hail Mary and amen,
Me
Really? Really. I mean no disrespect, but it's time for a little come-to-Jesus talk. The new guy you just hired for VP of Weather Operations, Northwest Division of the USA subsidiary, has really jumped the track.
His decision-making skills are undermining your very best efforts to save the planet. With every record-breaking snowfall we receive, there are seventeen sets of 163 rednecks around an open fire, polishing their gun racks and snacking on pork and beans, decrying the possibility of global warming, because... well, hell Bucephalus! it's colder, not warmer.
Personally, I can't "love thy neighbor" because my neighbor finds snowfall an even greater justification for his dog's poop-and-run strategic ops.
"No idols," you command? Check out the small humans bowing before their disfigured Frosty.
And while I might not covet my neighbor's house, I sure as hell covet their all-wheel-drive, and so bought one myself, because no decent hybrid can get up the hill. Show me one that can and I will show you a genuine miracle.
Hail Mary and amen,
Me
f r e e a t l a s t
Sweet mother of all things holy, we are finally, finally, FREE. I drove for the first time in two weeks. Ahhh, it's the simple things that make life worth living.
I've got nothing else to say. Here's a cute kitty picture. Enjoy.
I've got nothing else to say. Here's a cute kitty picture. Enjoy.
My barely conscious mental meanderings have resorted to looking up these kinds of things...
The Donner Party Log, Days 3 - 5... Irony Realized
I should've learned, a long time ago... for example, when my passport flew into the toilet in the roach motel in Dallas, just after I made fun of Beto for keeping his in a plastic bag. I should've known when I made it clear that no man from Brazil could drive better in snow than his wife from the east coast, that I'd live to eat those words.
Caving from peer pressure, on Friday I decided to go into work. Getting into work wasn't nearly as bad as trying to get home. As soon as I crested the top of the hill to get into our development, the X5 starting sliding every way except the way I wanted it to go.
Irony no. 1: After coming to a rest next to a curb and barely avoiding a collision, a dude with a snow-plow-for-rent drove by and stopped to give me driving instructions. Did he offer to plow the snow that was the problem? Of course not.
Irony no. 2: After realizing that I was lucky to have not done any damage YET, I called the Brazilian who proceeded to chain up the truck, get us turned around and home. Apparently, driving in this stuff is similar to driving through sand in a dune buggy powered with Cachaca. Yes, it took a while, and yes, we saw someone almost get run over by an out of control car, and yes, we were almost squished by that same car in the process, but alas, we made it home.
Irony no. 3: Fireplaces are fantastic things to have when it's 18 degrees outside and the electricity is down... THAT IS, IF SAID FIREPLACES DIDN'T REQUIRE A FLIP OF THE SWITCH TO TURN THEM ON. Serious winter emergency design FAIL.
So, here are some pics...
Above is a picture of our "street" from this morning. The only identifying characteristics are the little yellow divots from one little puppy with serious misgivings about urinating on ice. The car doors are frozen shut...
And, of course, inside the truck are the following: (1) the closest thing we have to a snow shovel, (2) the ice scraper, and (3) - hopefully - my blackberry, which at present is MIA. Also being frozen over? My fashion sense. Here's last night's photography-friendly outfit... that's right, monkey pj pants and my civil litigation rainboots...
Caving from peer pressure, on Friday I decided to go into work. Getting into work wasn't nearly as bad as trying to get home. As soon as I crested the top of the hill to get into our development, the X5 starting sliding every way except the way I wanted it to go.
Irony no. 1: After coming to a rest next to a curb and barely avoiding a collision, a dude with a snow-plow-for-rent drove by and stopped to give me driving instructions. Did he offer to plow the snow that was the problem? Of course not.
Irony no. 2: After realizing that I was lucky to have not done any damage YET, I called the Brazilian who proceeded to chain up the truck, get us turned around and home. Apparently, driving in this stuff is similar to driving through sand in a dune buggy powered with Cachaca. Yes, it took a while, and yes, we saw someone almost get run over by an out of control car, and yes, we were almost squished by that same car in the process, but alas, we made it home.
Irony no. 3: Fireplaces are fantastic things to have when it's 18 degrees outside and the electricity is down... THAT IS, IF SAID FIREPLACES DIDN'T REQUIRE A FLIP OF THE SWITCH TO TURN THEM ON. Serious winter emergency design FAIL.
So, here are some pics...
Above is a picture of our "street" from this morning. The only identifying characteristics are the little yellow divots from one little puppy with serious misgivings about urinating on ice. The car doors are frozen shut...And, of course, inside the truck are the following: (1) the closest thing we have to a snow shovel, (2) the ice scraper, and (3) - hopefully - my blackberry, which at present is MIA. Also being frozen over? My fashion sense. Here's last night's photography-friendly outfit... that's right, monkey pj pants and my civil litigation rainboots...
Auntie Caroll...
The Donner/Dantas Party Log: Day 2
The east coasters among you won't find much distressing about the following two pictures, but rest assured, if you're in Portland then you know the following things: (1) there will be no salt on these roads; (2) there will be no gravel on these roads; and (3) there will be no snow plows on these roads. In fact, the last time I saw snow plows in Portland, two of them had managed to get their plow parts all intertwined like they were conducting some futuristic machinery mating ritual, and they blocked an entire intersection with their idiocy. Really, get a room. If you're in Portland, then you also know that this crap will melt and freeze and melt and freeze until it looks like Tanya Harding's favorite haunt (that'd be an ice skating rink, peeps).
However, come hell or high snow, I am going to work tomorrow because I cannot stand another minute locked in the house. Oh, and also, because my co-workers think I'm a slack-ass wimp. They sent me this picture of downtown Portland at lunch, to prove it...
However, come hell or high snow, I am going to work tomorrow because I cannot stand another minute locked in the house. Oh, and also, because my co-workers think I'm a slack-ass wimp. They sent me this picture of downtown Portland at lunch, to prove it...
The Donner Party - er, Dantas Party - Log: Day One
8 a.m.: It's snowing. Again. Can't drive to work. Sweet. [snooze button]
8:10 a.m.: [snooze button]
8:20 a.m.: [snooze button]
8:30 a.m.: [snooze button]
8:40 a.m.: [snooze button]
8:50 a.m.: [snooze button]
8:55: Okay, this is ridiculous.
9:05: Thank god we finally went to the grocery store. Would hate to resort to cannibalism on the first day. c.f. Donner Party. Yum - breakfast on the couch while watching the end of - ironically enough - Office Space. Love Milton. Want red stapler for Christmas.
9:20: Heigh Ho and Away to Work.
work work work work browse interwebs work work work work
11:20: Mini Cujo takes note of would-be trespassing bipeds and canines.
11:30: Beto begins forensic evaluation of sled tracks and mitten prints to determine identity of small human who took a nose dive down our ravine and broke our outdoor lights.
11:45: Pontification of the deterioration of neighborliness and well-behaved small humans who respect others' property ... ends with headache.
1:45: Beto begins new forensic investigation of trespassers in the backyard who are using our well-landscaped hill for slalom practice. Vows to avenge said violation.
2:30: Lucy joins familial discontent at defecation behavior of neighbor dogs.
work work work browse interwebs work work browse interwebs buy sweater on jcrew Beto is going to kill me
gnaw on arm out of boredom
work work work
5:17: Shower.
tv tv
still snowing... still stuck... sleep
8:10 a.m.: [snooze button]
8:20 a.m.: [snooze button]
8:30 a.m.: [snooze button]
8:40 a.m.: [snooze button]
8:50 a.m.: [snooze button]
8:55: Okay, this is ridiculous.
9:05: Thank god we finally went to the grocery store. Would hate to resort to cannibalism on the first day. c.f. Donner Party. Yum - breakfast on the couch while watching the end of - ironically enough - Office Space. Love Milton. Want red stapler for Christmas.
9:20: Heigh Ho and Away to Work.
work work work work browse interwebs work work work work
11:20: Mini Cujo takes note of would-be trespassing bipeds and canines.
11:30: Beto begins forensic evaluation of sled tracks and mitten prints to determine identity of small human who took a nose dive down our ravine and broke our outdoor lights.
11:45: Pontification of the deterioration of neighborliness and well-behaved small humans who respect others' property ... ends with headache.
1:45: Beto begins new forensic investigation of trespassers in the backyard who are using our well-landscaped hill for slalom practice. Vows to avenge said violation.
2:30: Lucy joins familial discontent at defecation behavior of neighbor dogs.
work work work browse interwebs work work browse interwebs buy sweater on jcrew Beto is going to kill me
gnaw on arm out of boredom
work work work
5:17: Shower.
tv tv
still snowing... still stuck... sleep
A Hundert Things on a Snow Day
So, here's the sitch. I'm snowed-in. Beto is not. He had to take our only all-wheel-drive car to an all-day meeting... so, I'm stuck on Mt. Hazeltine, and unless Tenzing Norgay plans on popping by for some leftovers from Saturday's party, I have nothing to do but sit in my pajamas and work remotely. Well... sit in my pajamas, work remotely AND roam the internet for hours on end.
In the midst of my mid-life or third-life or whatever-life crisis, I've been thinking about things I really, really want to do badly... and haven't come up with a whole lot more than belt out the Indigo Girls' "Land of Canaan" in some backwater karaoke bar and write a novel. I don't know if it's the malaise or the weather or just general dissatisfaction, but just as I lack creativity for my blog, so too do I lack creativity for my future.
That said, I found this list of 100 things to do before you die, the object being to "bold" those you have done... so without further ado, and because I follow directions like a madman, below in bold are my accomplishments to-date (at least, the ones I will admit to).
1. Started your own blog (Hello, Mistress of the Obvious)
2. Slept under the stars (and under the bugs, and on top of cow poo)
3. Played in a band (just because I'm pathetic, I'm counting third- through fifth- grade here)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity (especially if the charity is Pottery Barn)
7. Been to Disneyland (or was it Disney World? Can't recall - the big mouse with BIG effin' ears and his infinitely annoying girlfriend...)
8. Climbed a mountain (just not to the top)
9. Held a praying mantis (I'm not so pathetic as to think that photographing one counts)
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped (it's on video, haters)
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea (is the storm at sea, or am I? If the former, then CHECK)
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (is photography an art? I don't know)
15. Adopted a child (dogs and cats, people... for crying out loud)
16. Had food poisoning (not a sound diet strategy)
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables (I barely even EAT vegetables)
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight (this one's kind of creepy, but childhood slumber parties have to count somewhere)
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill (NEVER EVER NEVER! Hear that, bosses?)
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb (I ate lamb once, then ralphed it back up, so I'm counting this as one. I also used to sleep next to a calf until the ranch owners castrated it, at which point I was persona non grata)
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon (I only run when being chased... by someone with a gun...sorry)
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice (sinking a paddle boat on the Susquehanna has to count for something)
29. Seen a total eclipse (I've seen it sung really badly, but that's about it)
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise (my own personalized idea of what the third ring of Dante's Inferno would look like, if it were one of those Royal Caribbean type deals... but I have been on day cruises).
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors (Havre de Grace counts, right?)
35. Seen an Amish community (was almost run over by an Amish horse and buggy. That's before I learned that they make their millions in puppy mills and play dirty hockey against the Mennonites)
36. Taught yourself a new language (KTJ's Op)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (Shyeah, right)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant (sucky-ass blind dates and their penny pinching ways)
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris (Paris, again... honest to god)
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business (doesn't matter if it doesn't make any money, right?)
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (one day with Renee... I was not Girl Scout material)
62. Gone whale watching (didn't you hear about the whale that destroyed the sailboat in one flying leap? Helloooo, self preservation).
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma (insert trifling vampire obsession joke here)
65. Gone sky diving
66. [deleted]
67. Bounced a check (All hail overdraft protection!)
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favourite childhood toy (I have, like, six cases of the furry little friends)
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt (will never do that again)
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades (we're on a roll here....)
75. Been fired from a job (roll stopped)
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone (I think Ellen's one-woman warfare against knee cartilage should count here)
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (I'm mentioned in a book, but that probably doesn't meet the strident criteria here)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible (okay, just the New Testament... I can't get past the begats)
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (ugh - who created this list?)
88. Had chicken pox
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury (truthfully, I've been called for jury duty, but they always kick me out)
91. Met someone famous (haven't really met them, but saw George Clinton and Richard Simmons at the airport ... not together... no need to start any seriously screwed up rumors here... Also, saw Michelle Williams at a DoveLewis event.... and, hmmm... what else?)
92. Joined a book club (like I give a rip what other people have to say about the books I choose to read. I never fully understood this concept.)
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby (Amen, and hallelujah, NO... "better late than pregnant," they say)
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit
98. Owned a cell phone (what the hell?)
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day
In the midst of my mid-life or third-life or whatever-life crisis, I've been thinking about things I really, really want to do badly... and haven't come up with a whole lot more than belt out the Indigo Girls' "Land of Canaan" in some backwater karaoke bar and write a novel. I don't know if it's the malaise or the weather or just general dissatisfaction, but just as I lack creativity for my blog, so too do I lack creativity for my future.
That said, I found this list of 100 things to do before you die, the object being to "bold" those you have done... so without further ado, and because I follow directions like a madman, below in bold are my accomplishments to-date (at least, the ones I will admit to).
1. Started your own blog (Hello, Mistress of the Obvious)
2. Slept under the stars (and under the bugs, and on top of cow poo)
3. Played in a band (just because I'm pathetic, I'm counting third- through fifth- grade here)
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity (especially if the charity is Pottery Barn)
7. Been to Disneyland (or was it Disney World? Can't recall - the big mouse with BIG effin' ears and his infinitely annoying girlfriend...)
8. Climbed a mountain (just not to the top)
9. Held a praying mantis (I'm not so pathetic as to think that photographing one counts)
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped (it's on video, haters)
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea (is the storm at sea, or am I? If the former, then CHECK)
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (is photography an art? I don't know)
15. Adopted a child (dogs and cats, people... for crying out loud)
16. Had food poisoning (not a sound diet strategy)
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables (I barely even EAT vegetables)
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight (this one's kind of creepy, but childhood slumber parties have to count somewhere)
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill (NEVER EVER NEVER! Hear that, bosses?)
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb (I ate lamb once, then ralphed it back up, so I'm counting this as one. I also used to sleep next to a calf until the ranch owners castrated it, at which point I was persona non grata)
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a marathon (I only run when being chased... by someone with a gun...sorry)
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice (sinking a paddle boat on the Susquehanna has to count for something)
29. Seen a total eclipse (I've seen it sung really badly, but that's about it)
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise (my own personalized idea of what the third ring of Dante's Inferno would look like, if it were one of those Royal Caribbean type deals... but I have been on day cruises).
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors (Havre de Grace counts, right?)
35. Seen an Amish community (was almost run over by an Amish horse and buggy. That's before I learned that they make their millions in puppy mills and play dirty hockey against the Mennonites)
36. Taught yourself a new language (KTJ's Op)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (Shyeah, right)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo's David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant (sucky-ass blind dates and their penny pinching ways)
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris (Paris, again... honest to god)
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business (doesn't matter if it doesn't make any money, right?)
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (one day with Renee... I was not Girl Scout material)
62. Gone whale watching (didn't you hear about the whale that destroyed the sailboat in one flying leap? Helloooo, self preservation).
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma (insert trifling vampire obsession joke here)
65. Gone sky diving
66. [deleted]
67. Bounced a check (All hail overdraft protection!)
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favourite childhood toy (I have, like, six cases of the furry little friends)
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt (will never do that again)
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades (we're on a roll here....)
75. Been fired from a job (roll stopped)
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone (I think Ellen's one-woman warfare against knee cartilage should count here)
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (I'm mentioned in a book, but that probably doesn't meet the strident criteria here)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible (okay, just the New Testament... I can't get past the begats)
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (ugh - who created this list?)
88. Had chicken pox
89. Saved someone's life
90. Sat on a jury (truthfully, I've been called for jury duty, but they always kick me out)
91. Met someone famous (haven't really met them, but saw George Clinton and Richard Simmons at the airport ... not together... no need to start any seriously screwed up rumors here... Also, saw Michelle Williams at a DoveLewis event.... and, hmmm... what else?)
92. Joined a book club (like I give a rip what other people have to say about the books I choose to read. I never fully understood this concept.)
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby (Amen, and hallelujah, NO... "better late than pregnant," they say)
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit
98. Owned a cell phone (what the hell?)
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Read an entire book in one day
Close your eyes, Mom
As a follow-up to the Thanksgiving-related blather, keep this little helpful tidbit in mind for next year's planning: Unless you want Wreckx-N-Effect's "Rump Shaker" playing during the main course, don't let iTunes build a mix for you based on any song from James Brown. I'm fairly certain the Pilgrims weren't whispering "All I wanna do is zoom-zoom-zoom-zoom and a boom-boom" in their pre-dinner prayer.
Check out this sunset from our deck on Saturday...
Check out this sunset from our deck on Saturday...
Random
1. Funniest line from the new Bond movie, Quantum of Solace: "...And you work for Canadian intelligence." Here's a tip: don't sit in the front two rows to watch this movie.
2. East coasters: see Twilight if for no other reason than to check out the Portland area scenery.
3. In addition to the insomnia, alpha-intrusions and other sleep disorders I try to drug the crap out of, I am now yelling in my sleep and just the other night, punched Beto in the head... and seriously don't remember a thing. Whoopsie.
4. Thanksgiving was a success, thanks mostly to the mother figure who cooked for 18. Check out the set-up...
That's it for now... more later, like top 10 reasons I love Portland and top things I want to do before I get too old...
2. East coasters: see Twilight if for no other reason than to check out the Portland area scenery.
3. In addition to the insomnia, alpha-intrusions and other sleep disorders I try to drug the crap out of, I am now yelling in my sleep and just the other night, punched Beto in the head... and seriously don't remember a thing. Whoopsie.
4. Thanksgiving was a success, thanks mostly to the mother figure who cooked for 18. Check out the set-up...
That's it for now... more later, like top 10 reasons I love Portland and top things I want to do before I get too old...
Frosty's Gone... One More Round... Frosty's Gone...
More observations from the front:
1. Beto told our neighbors to cease and desist from allowing their golden retriever's unsupervised daily bowel movements in our front yard. Neighbors no longer talk to us. They never did to begin with, so I suppose this is an okay development.
2. Christmas lights in this hood are not only up, but on, ALREADY. Even in Milwaukie, our neighbor next door waited until Black Friday to blow up the 8 foot Snowman. Actually, I think Snowman is in his third or fourth life now.... robbed once, and shot another time (187 on Frosty, that's how they do it in Milwaukie).
Although I've never been able to find the actual recording, here's one of my favorite all-time re-dos.... Wyclef Jean singing Johnny Cash's "Delia's Gone..." In honor of snowmen past...
1. Beto told our neighbors to cease and desist from allowing their golden retriever's unsupervised daily bowel movements in our front yard. Neighbors no longer talk to us. They never did to begin with, so I suppose this is an okay development.
2. Christmas lights in this hood are not only up, but on, ALREADY. Even in Milwaukie, our neighbor next door waited until Black Friday to blow up the 8 foot Snowman. Actually, I think Snowman is in his third or fourth life now.... robbed once, and shot another time (187 on Frosty, that's how they do it in Milwaukie).
Although I've never been able to find the actual recording, here's one of my favorite all-time re-dos.... Wyclef Jean singing Johnny Cash's "Delia's Gone..." In honor of snowmen past...